Messing with my head.

So tomorrow I start my new job. I'm super excited about it, it's doing something I love and something that I went to college and completed, something I'm good at so why am I sitting here crying and having panic attacks? This is the conversation going on in my head.

Side A: I'm so excited to working in this field again and at this facility, I've wanted to work here FOREVER

Side B: Don't be to happy, you won't be there long. I mean what we're you thinking getting a job 40 minutes away, with severe traffic and with you having to be there at 7 or 8 am. You work nights remember!

Side A crying: I can adjust, it will be rough but I can do it. Plus she told me that she had one spot open and several candidates and she picked ME. They want me there.

Side B: What if you can't hack it? You sprained your shoulder last time and it's still not healed. What if your co-workers hate you? What if you just can't do the job? What if you fuck up big time? This is going to be a disaster, you should just not even humiliate yourself like this.

Side A now curled up in a ball crying: fuck, fuck, fuck, what was I thinking! Fuck. What do I do? What do I do? Fuck I really need this! Breathe.... In for 4, hold for 7, release for 8. Now repeat. Fuck this, where's the drugs. God I hope I don't wake up high because them I'm really fucked. I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. Last time I dreaded it and it was great, it will be great this time!

Side B: Lies.

Reality Check

So the last few weeks I have been feeling really great and "normal" for the most part. My mania hasn't been uncontrollable, my depression hasn't been debilitating, I've been really aware of my triggers and avoiding them and I was excited and hopeful. Then today happened.

I have been wanting to work at the spca for as long as I can remember, I've applied a bunch of times and never heard back and this past Saturday I finally got the call and the interview was the next day. Interview went great, and I was told I would hear back by the end of the week if they wanted me to come I'm for a working interview where I basically volunteer for a day to see it we all fit, it's pretty standard for shelters. Yesterday I got the call asking if I could come in tomorrow (which is today) for my working interview. I was stoked!

After the excitement wore off I realized that I was going to have to wake up at like 6am...my usual bedtime. Right now I feel defeated, frustrated, disappointed and angry with myself. I feel like my bipolar was like "Oh, you think you got rid of me? Guess again bitch" and it decided to show me who's really in charge of my mind and my life. It just doesn't make sense, unlike the last interview panic attack, I actually really, really want this job! I wasn't dreading it, I was looking forward to it so why the panic attacks? It makes no sense.

I don't sleep all night, not even 5 minutes. I get to the back gate like they tell me to and I can't get it. There is a buzzer no one is answering and I don't have a passcode, I'm just stuck waiting, anxiety building. Finally I get let in by someone and they show me where I should go but the manager isn't there so I awkwardly wait outside of the manager's door. People keep passing and looking at me strange or asking if I'm lost and my anxiety keeps building along with my lack of sleep and I know that this is going to end bad. The one of the other staff members comes and asks me if I'm okay and my anxiety peaks and I pop and start crying. Yep I start crying in front of a total stranger. She asks what's wrong and the first thing I can think of is telling her that I got into a car accident on my way there and I was shook up. (I had been in a accident and my car had damage) She called the manager and told her what happened and they rescheduled me for next week. What a fucking disaster.

There's nothing worse than having no control over your mind and moods, to not have control over the thoughts in your head or your body's reaction to them. It fucking sucks and I feel powerless and it my illnesses mercy. Just when I thought I was back in control and getting my life back together I got hit with a reality check, it was all just a farce.