No meds

Can't sleep, repetitive thoughts of stupid shit and frustration of trying to remember what the repetitive thought that you had last night that kept you awake but you didn't write down because it was so repetitive you figured there was no was to forget it. Yeah. It just sucks because I was kinda feeling balanced and hopeful of getting my life back together and a week off doesn't seem like a big deal but it is. I will have to fight with my brain to take my meds because manic me won't want to and paranoid me will freak about the side effects. Then I will have to adjust to them again because I will feel doped and brain for and zombie like until I "adapt" and it will take a while before I stabilize again. It's a pain in the ass. 24 hours off and I'm slipping but it takes about 2-3 weeks on to be "stable". It's just frustrating, I just want my life back and control over my brain and emotions and moods.

It's the small things

All at want more than anything else at this moment in time is to be able to sleep. That's all, just sleep, is that to much to ask for? I didn't sleep much the days leading up to Halloween due to stress of preparing my house to be put on the market, after the realtor came last Monday I fell asleep for hours as soon as she left.

I slept okay Tuesday, Wednesday night I had the weird hypnagogic sleep (I need to do more research on it) Thursday 3 hours, Friday 2 hours and last night a whole 45 minutes. This is all with meds that are supposed to make me sleep, it's ridiculous. It try with meds all night and around 7 or 8 am I just give up.

Trazodone doesn't work, Geodon isn't working, Hydroxyzine isn't working, Benadryl isn't working, nothing is working. I would happily take a good thump to the head to knock me out.

I had a job interview yesterday so I thought my insomnia was do to the stress of it and that it would go away and I would sleep like after the realtor came, but that didn't happen. The interview sucked. I had a panic attack getting ready, had to seriously sit in the car and calm myself before I went in and then try not to cry from anxiety and nerves the entire time while I'm sure looking amped like a meth head.

I could feel the adrenaline rushing which makes me shake and fidget and my speech is really fast and my voice trembles, it's a fucking mess. I could tell I was making them uncomfortable. It doesn't matter too much, as much as I need a job this was minimum wage (which I haven't been paid since I was in high school) and the house was disgusting and a roach motel. Roaches are my biggest fear so seeing them all over didn't help the anxiety, I didn't want to touch or sit on anything.

I wish I could just get this shit under control already. No point in stressing over it though, all it will do is make it even harder to sleep which I hope I will do tonight. Wish me luck.

Abort!

So I was talking to a really good friend of mine tonight and I told him I'm slightly worried about being home alone the next few days and he asks why. So I tell him I've had a few back outs and I leave and don't remember where I went or what I did so I've been giving people my keys at night so I can't do that and now that I'm alone the next few days it's going to be interesting.
He was a little in shock, actually is exact response was "say whaaa!!"

Hmmm. Do I go further and explain a little or not? So I simply say it will be interesting since I haven't slept in like 3 days.

His response. "drink some tea and go to bed .. thats what im doin"

My brain simply yells "abort! abort! Come back to the closet, shut the door, quick!"

I simply laugh and tell him good night.

I have to remember not everyone wants to really know what I'm going through, they don't want the truth, they prefer the mask and the lie. It just sucks when it's someone you really WANT to be a person who would let you come out of the closet and be open and honest with and you find out you can't even a little bit. I mean if he can't deal with that, fuuuucck, he would really bolt with the rest.

So far I have 3 people that I can actually be 100% absolutely honest with, one of them being my mom. I still scare the shit out of her but honestly is the only way this (whatever that is) can work, I have to tell her the weird and scary shit. She has to be aware to help keep me "safe", he being in the dark isn't an option if I want to get better.

The other two are people who also have mental illnesses, one being bipolar. I don't scare them and they don't think I'm lying or insane. They may say that's crazy, if I tell them something that happened became they haven't experienced it, but I don't scare them or freak them out. I can take off my mask with them. All have to do is let the littlest bit of true bipolar slip and it's easy to see who can handle it and who can't.

The only other person I've tried sharing with isn't scared but he doesn't get it. He still thinks I can "snap" out of it or if this changes I will be happy or better. He just doesn't get it.

I'm trying to be open with my bipolar, but I don't want to scare every one away either. I don't want people to not want to be in my life because they can't handle it but damn lying and hiding and wearing a mask is exhausting sometimes. Oh well, I guess I will just keep flashing people bits of my bipolar and see what happens.

I hate this.

I've been up for days now with short little 15 minutes of naps but not real sleep. My attempt to knock myself out with meds last night just put me in some weird state between asleep and awake. Really weird thoughts all over the place with an exhausted body and possible hallucinations. I feel like death. Like I want to puke but can't, I want to sleep but can't, I'm super shaky, my whole body hurts but feels numb and tingling, I'm hot but I have the shivers..... this blows. It's like my body wants to do 2 things at once in every possible way and it's fighting with itself. Trying to talk my voice shakes and my lips and tongue feel numb like when you get lidocaine at the dentist. I'm fucking miserable. I'm pretty sure I'm actively dying. The best part is this happens like twice a month but it's becoming more frequent. 

I was having these "episodes" before any medication so I don't think it's that. I think it's just pure physical and mental exhaustion from not sleeping for days besides little light 10 minute cat naps. Even when I "sleep" I'm aware. It's hard to describe, like my body shuts off but my brain keeps going and I still have all of the racing thought and even think to myself thank God my body is asleep for a moment and and I can hear everything around me and still be thinking about other things. Its so hard to explain, it's almost like my mind and body detach, it's not on out of body thing, like I don't see myself or anything but I'm aware my body is "asleep" and if someone was to see me they would think I'm asleep but I'm not, at least my brain is not so when I "wake" I'm still exhausted like I never slept because my mind never shut off.

Drugs are bad McKay.

   So, my mom and I were having brunch on Saturday and as we were eating and laughing she suddenly asked me if I ever take drugs. I’m not sure if this has to do with the video I made that shared the aspect of bipolar where people can be prone to recreational drug use or the fact that the day before I could have easily been mistaken for someone high as a kite on crack or meth. I assure her I’m not but if I was it sure as hell wouldn’t be an upper, I can do that all on my own, and if I was to take a drugs I would smoke some weed to chill my ass out, but unfortunately it makes me paranoid and that’s the last thing I need. (For the record I don’t really consider weed a “drug” but it’s illegal in my state so..)

   As a teen I smoked weed, took LSD and dabbled in pills but I’ve never used cocaine or heroin (despite dating a addict for years) and unlike most people I hate alcohol and have only been drunk maybe 3 times in my life and hated it, the only non-prescription drug I take is high doses Benadryl to force me to sleep and my doctors are aware of that.  So with that said, I find it bizarre that in some manic states, especially if I get in a really self destructive state, I WANT to do drugs and get high. I want to just destroy everything and get completely fucked up and wasted and dance on tables and lose my absolute mind. I crave drugs I’ve never tried and if offered them I’m not sure I would say no because I’m in a “fuck everything” mode. I don’t go out an actually seek them because that would require me to be someone social which I am not and put myself in extremely dangerous situations based in the city that I live in and even though I am in a “fuck everything” mind space, I’m not in a suicidal one and am I at least rational enough to not put my safety at risk. Not yet anyway.

   I’m a bit of a medical geek (I have been since I was little) so I always try to analyze my own behavior and signs and symptoms and I am very self-aware of my thoughts, actions and conditions and that my behavior is not “normal”. This doesn’t mean that I can control or stop my thoughts or behavior it just means usually, if I can, I like to “study” or capture something that is happening in the moment on film or take notes and study it later in a different mind state. Being that I don’t have insurance I rely on government care which means I was evaluated by a few different people, diagnosed and then given meds and I check in every 3 months to see if my meds are working or not. I don’t get actual “care”, I don’t get therapy, just some pills and me to figure out, control, and modify my actions and behaviors to try to improve myself and my current state. I’m lucky that I have a very vast medical background and understanding of mental illness and that for the time being I am self aware, but most don’t and I might not remain self aware.

   So at the time being I am able to refrain from recreational drug use but it’s not for a lack of craving them even if I have never tried them or liked them in the past. I’ve considered if it was the behavior or the actual drugs I have wanted during these times and it’s for sure the drugs, I can act out the behavior without them.  Our brain is such a bizarre and fascinating thing. I plan on writing more on this subject because I have more views but I don't want this post to be like 50 paragraphs long so I will just end it here. 

K