Fustrated

     Guess I should start with an update before I ramble about the shit that is happening now so things make sense. I finally found a good balance of meds, I did great at my job, I was loving it, life was okay, nothing exciting but I was "Normal", and okay and then I reconnected with someone from my past who lived out of state we started a long distance relationship and I eventually moved to his home state and in with him and eventually his kids moved in with us full time, you can read all about that (it kind of overlaps with this blog) HERE. if you want to know about my adventures into "step-motherhood and my relationship.




      Okay so that is a very brief synopsis, like I said detail on the other page. I like to write, it helps me work things out, it feels good to share even if no one else ever reads my ramblings, it's therapeutic to me and maybe I'm a little narcissistic. Back to the point, I'm fucking frustrated! At this moment because I am using a shitty keyboard that keeps sticking but that is the least of it. Once I moved up to my new home I had the joy of trying to find a new psychiatrist, it was number one on my list, my mental health is always my top priority. I took me a while to find one taking new patients, that was covered by my insurance and that was in a practical location. I found someone and from day one I didn't really like him. He never looked at me, he sat behind his computer and typed I mean even introducing myself he didn't even shake my hand or anything. First thing he did was change my meds. Great. Of course every doctor thinks the know best and doesn't understand why the previous doctor would have you on the meds you were on. 😒 So he put me on klonopin, amitriptyline and kept my carbamazepine removing my trazadone and geodon. Yeah, adjusting to new meds, in a new place in a new life with a new job.(I swear this is going someplace) It didn't go so smooth, especially with the new job, I called in a lot to a brand new job, coming up with every reason you can think of when really it was just my brain freaking out. I eventually confessed to my new job and got covered by ADA since I was on the verge of being fired. As it turns out I hate my fuck job.....HATE IT. Back to the doctor, so I tell the doctor I'm not having such good luck with the meds, still not sleeping well, waking up in the middle of the night, lighting a cigarette and falling asleep and either burning myself (I'm covered in burns on my chest, stomach and even arm of burn in various staged of healing) or burning huge holes in my pillows, and blanket, how it hasn't caught on fire I have no idea. What does he do, ups my dose.


      I'm not manic, I do have days where I have a little more "Pep" than others and I do have days when getting out of bed isn't gonna happen but for those to days are few and far between so I can give him that, but I still can not sleep. No matter what I do my brain will not turn off without LOTS of meds and now I have what I call "work anxiety". I can't explain enough how much I hate my job and I'm not going to go into the many reasons why, but whenever I know I have to work the next day I start having panic attacks around 7pm the night before, I can't sleep or I take more and more meds until they put me in a coma and then when I have to get up like 3 hours later I wake up loaded off my ass. It's just bad all around. So I go to my psychiatrist this past week and I tell him all of this and ask him what can I do? Can maybe I go back to an old med, switch meds, try a different dose or something because the burning myself and everything and not sleeping just isn't working. His response quit smoking and change jobs. My eyes rolled back to last year.


      Seriously if it was that fucking easy don't you think I would have done that shit? I mean I only smoke at night when I am in bed and I think it has to do with my meds and them making me loaded because I don't smoke the rest of the day and if I could just NOT smoke don't you think I would, I mean think of the money I would save. Second don't you think I've been looking for another job M'Fer, when I told him that he was like well just quit this one now and you will eventually find another one. Really? And who is going to pay for YOU! And my rent and utility bills and put food on my table, you know not be homeless. He had no actual help or advice for me beside be homeless. I tried to explain I have full blown panic attacks where I'm crying and can't breathe all over this stupid job and as much as I would like to do the fuck you dance and remove the "stress trigger" I can't without something else in place.


Anyways that is my frustration of the moment. I can get why he would rather have me remove the stressor than use meds as a crutch but it would still be nice to have some support and not be covered in burns and worried that my house isn't going to burn down any night now with everyone in it. Okay end rant.

Drugs are bad McKay.

   So, my mom and I were having brunch on Saturday and as we were eating and laughing she suddenly asked me if I ever take drugs. I’m not sure if this has to do with the video I made that shared the aspect of bipolar where people can be prone to recreational drug use or the fact that the day before I could have easily been mistaken for someone high as a kite on crack or meth. I assure her I’m not but if I was it sure as hell wouldn’t be an upper, I can do that all on my own, and if I was to take a drugs I would smoke some weed to chill my ass out, but unfortunately it makes me paranoid and that’s the last thing I need. (For the record I don’t really consider weed a “drug” but it’s illegal in my state so..)

   As a teen I smoked weed, took LSD and dabbled in pills but I’ve never used cocaine or heroin (despite dating a addict for years) and unlike most people I hate alcohol and have only been drunk maybe 3 times in my life and hated it, the only non-prescription drug I take is high doses Benadryl to force me to sleep and my doctors are aware of that.  So with that said, I find it bizarre that in some manic states, especially if I get in a really self destructive state, I WANT to do drugs and get high. I want to just destroy everything and get completely fucked up and wasted and dance on tables and lose my absolute mind. I crave drugs I’ve never tried and if offered them I’m not sure I would say no because I’m in a “fuck everything” mode. I don’t go out an actually seek them because that would require me to be someone social which I am not and put myself in extremely dangerous situations based in the city that I live in and even though I am in a “fuck everything” mind space, I’m not in a suicidal one and am I at least rational enough to not put my safety at risk. Not yet anyway.

   I’m a bit of a medical geek (I have been since I was little) so I always try to analyze my own behavior and signs and symptoms and I am very self-aware of my thoughts, actions and conditions and that my behavior is not “normal”. This doesn’t mean that I can control or stop my thoughts or behavior it just means usually, if I can, I like to “study” or capture something that is happening in the moment on film or take notes and study it later in a different mind state. Being that I don’t have insurance I rely on government care which means I was evaluated by a few different people, diagnosed and then given meds and I check in every 3 months to see if my meds are working or not. I don’t get actual “care”, I don’t get therapy, just some pills and me to figure out, control, and modify my actions and behaviors to try to improve myself and my current state. I’m lucky that I have a very vast medical background and understanding of mental illness and that for the time being I am self aware, but most don’t and I might not remain self aware.

   So at the time being I am able to refrain from recreational drug use but it’s not for a lack of craving them even if I have never tried them or liked them in the past. I’ve considered if it was the behavior or the actual drugs I have wanted during these times and it’s for sure the drugs, I can act out the behavior without them.  Our brain is such a bizarre and fascinating thing. I plan on writing more on this subject because I have more views but I don't want this post to be like 50 paragraphs long so I will just end it here. 

K