I hate this.

I've been up for days now with short little 15 minutes of naps but not real sleep. My attempt to knock myself out with meds last night just put me in some weird state between asleep and awake. Really weird thoughts all over the place with an exhausted body and possible hallucinations. I feel like death. Like I want to puke but can't, I want to sleep but can't, I'm super shaky, my whole body hurts but feels numb and tingling, I'm hot but I have the shivers..... this blows. It's like my body wants to do 2 things at once in every possible way and it's fighting with itself. Trying to talk my voice shakes and my lips and tongue feel numb like when you get lidocaine at the dentist. I'm fucking miserable. I'm pretty sure I'm actively dying. The best part is this happens like twice a month but it's becoming more frequent. 

I was having these "episodes" before any medication so I don't think it's that. I think it's just pure physical and mental exhaustion from not sleeping for days besides little light 10 minute cat naps. Even when I "sleep" I'm aware. It's hard to describe, like my body shuts off but my brain keeps going and I still have all of the racing thought and even think to myself thank God my body is asleep for a moment and and I can hear everything around me and still be thinking about other things. Its so hard to explain, it's almost like my mind and body detach, it's not on out of body thing, like I don't see myself or anything but I'm aware my body is "asleep" and if someone was to see me they would think I'm asleep but I'm not, at least my brain is not so when I "wake" I'm still exhausted like I never slept because my mind never shut off.

Drugs are bad McKay.

   So, my mom and I were having brunch on Saturday and as we were eating and laughing she suddenly asked me if I ever take drugs. I’m not sure if this has to do with the video I made that shared the aspect of bipolar where people can be prone to recreational drug use or the fact that the day before I could have easily been mistaken for someone high as a kite on crack or meth. I assure her I’m not but if I was it sure as hell wouldn’t be an upper, I can do that all on my own, and if I was to take a drugs I would smoke some weed to chill my ass out, but unfortunately it makes me paranoid and that’s the last thing I need. (For the record I don’t really consider weed a “drug” but it’s illegal in my state so..)

   As a teen I smoked weed, took LSD and dabbled in pills but I’ve never used cocaine or heroin (despite dating a addict for years) and unlike most people I hate alcohol and have only been drunk maybe 3 times in my life and hated it, the only non-prescription drug I take is high doses Benadryl to force me to sleep and my doctors are aware of that.  So with that said, I find it bizarre that in some manic states, especially if I get in a really self destructive state, I WANT to do drugs and get high. I want to just destroy everything and get completely fucked up and wasted and dance on tables and lose my absolute mind. I crave drugs I’ve never tried and if offered them I’m not sure I would say no because I’m in a “fuck everything” mode. I don’t go out an actually seek them because that would require me to be someone social which I am not and put myself in extremely dangerous situations based in the city that I live in and even though I am in a “fuck everything” mind space, I’m not in a suicidal one and am I at least rational enough to not put my safety at risk. Not yet anyway.

   I’m a bit of a medical geek (I have been since I was little) so I always try to analyze my own behavior and signs and symptoms and I am very self-aware of my thoughts, actions and conditions and that my behavior is not “normal”. This doesn’t mean that I can control or stop my thoughts or behavior it just means usually, if I can, I like to “study” or capture something that is happening in the moment on film or take notes and study it later in a different mind state. Being that I don’t have insurance I rely on government care which means I was evaluated by a few different people, diagnosed and then given meds and I check in every 3 months to see if my meds are working or not. I don’t get actual “care”, I don’t get therapy, just some pills and me to figure out, control, and modify my actions and behaviors to try to improve myself and my current state. I’m lucky that I have a very vast medical background and understanding of mental illness and that for the time being I am self aware, but most don’t and I might not remain self aware.

   So at the time being I am able to refrain from recreational drug use but it’s not for a lack of craving them even if I have never tried them or liked them in the past. I’ve considered if it was the behavior or the actual drugs I have wanted during these times and it’s for sure the drugs, I can act out the behavior without them.  Our brain is such a bizarre and fascinating thing. I plan on writing more on this subject because I have more views but I don't want this post to be like 50 paragraphs long so I will just end it here. 

K