So, my mom and I were having brunch on Saturday and as we were
eating and laughing she suddenly asked me if I ever take drugs. I’m not sure if
this has to do with the video I made that shared the aspect of bipolar where
people can be prone to recreational drug use or the fact that the day before I
could have easily been mistaken for someone high as a kite on crack or meth. I
assure her I’m not but if I was it sure as hell wouldn’t be an upper, I can do
that all on my own, and if I was to take a drugs I would smoke some weed to
chill my ass out, but unfortunately it makes me paranoid and that’s the last
thing I need. (For the record I don’t really consider weed a “drug” but it’s
illegal in my state so..)
As a teen I smoked weed, took LSD and dabbled in pills but I’ve
never used cocaine or heroin (despite dating a addict for years) and unlike
most people I hate alcohol and have only been drunk maybe 3 times in my life
and hated it, the only non-prescription drug I take is high doses Benadryl to
force me to sleep and my doctors are aware of that. So with that said, I find it bizarre that in
some manic states, especially if I get in a really self destructive state, I
WANT to do drugs and get high. I want to just destroy everything and get
completely fucked up and wasted and dance on tables and lose my absolute mind. I
crave drugs I’ve never tried and if offered them I’m not sure I would say no
because I’m in a “fuck everything” mode. I don’t go out an actually seek them
because that would require me to be someone social which I am not and put
myself in extremely dangerous situations based in the city that I live in and
even though I am in a “fuck everything” mind space, I’m not in a suicidal one
and am I at least rational enough to not put my safety at risk. Not yet anyway.
I’m a bit of a medical geek (I have been since I was little)
so I always try to analyze my own behavior and signs and symptoms and I am very
self-aware of my thoughts, actions and conditions and that my behavior is not “normal”.
This doesn’t mean that I can control or stop my thoughts or behavior it just
means usually, if I can, I like to “study” or capture something that is
happening in the moment on film or take notes and study it later in a different
mind state. Being that I don’t have insurance I rely on government care which
means I was evaluated by a few different people, diagnosed and then given meds
and I check in every 3 months to see if my meds are working or not. I don’t get
actual “care”, I don’t get therapy, just some pills and me to figure out,
control, and modify my actions and behaviors to try to improve myself and my
current state. I’m lucky that I have a very vast medical background and
understanding of mental illness and that for the time being I am self aware,
but most don’t and I might not remain self aware.
So at the time being I am able to refrain from recreational
drug use but it’s not for a lack of craving them even if I have never tried
them or liked them in the past. I’ve considered if it was the behavior or the
actual drugs I have wanted during these times and it’s for sure the drugs, I
can act out the behavior without them. Our
brain is such a bizarre and fascinating thing. I plan on writing more on this subject because I have more views but I don't want this post to be like 50 paragraphs long so I will just end it here.
K
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