I hate this.

I've been up for days now with short little 15 minutes of naps but not real sleep. My attempt to knock myself out with meds last night just put me in some weird state between asleep and awake. Really weird thoughts all over the place with an exhausted body and possible hallucinations. I feel like death. Like I want to puke but can't, I want to sleep but can't, I'm super shaky, my whole body hurts but feels numb and tingling, I'm hot but I have the shivers..... this blows. It's like my body wants to do 2 things at once in every possible way and it's fighting with itself. Trying to talk my voice shakes and my lips and tongue feel numb like when you get lidocaine at the dentist. I'm fucking miserable. I'm pretty sure I'm actively dying. The best part is this happens like twice a month but it's becoming more frequent. 

I was having these "episodes" before any medication so I don't think it's that. I think it's just pure physical and mental exhaustion from not sleeping for days besides little light 10 minute cat naps. Even when I "sleep" I'm aware. It's hard to describe, like my body shuts off but my brain keeps going and I still have all of the racing thought and even think to myself thank God my body is asleep for a moment and and I can hear everything around me and still be thinking about other things. Its so hard to explain, it's almost like my mind and body detach, it's not on out of body thing, like I don't see myself or anything but I'm aware my body is "asleep" and if someone was to see me they would think I'm asleep but I'm not, at least my brain is not so when I "wake" I'm still exhausted like I never slept because my mind never shut off.