Abort!

So I was talking to a really good friend of mine tonight and I told him I'm slightly worried about being home alone the next few days and he asks why. So I tell him I've had a few back outs and I leave and don't remember where I went or what I did so I've been giving people my keys at night so I can't do that and now that I'm alone the next few days it's going to be interesting.
He was a little in shock, actually is exact response was "say whaaa!!"

Hmmm. Do I go further and explain a little or not? So I simply say it will be interesting since I haven't slept in like 3 days.

His response. "drink some tea and go to bed .. thats what im doin"

My brain simply yells "abort! abort! Come back to the closet, shut the door, quick!"

I simply laugh and tell him good night.

I have to remember not everyone wants to really know what I'm going through, they don't want the truth, they prefer the mask and the lie. It just sucks when it's someone you really WANT to be a person who would let you come out of the closet and be open and honest with and you find out you can't even a little bit. I mean if he can't deal with that, fuuuucck, he would really bolt with the rest.

So far I have 3 people that I can actually be 100% absolutely honest with, one of them being my mom. I still scare the shit out of her but honestly is the only way this (whatever that is) can work, I have to tell her the weird and scary shit. She has to be aware to help keep me "safe", he being in the dark isn't an option if I want to get better.

The other two are people who also have mental illnesses, one being bipolar. I don't scare them and they don't think I'm lying or insane. They may say that's crazy, if I tell them something that happened became they haven't experienced it, but I don't scare them or freak them out. I can take off my mask with them. All have to do is let the littlest bit of true bipolar slip and it's easy to see who can handle it and who can't.

The only other person I've tried sharing with isn't scared but he doesn't get it. He still thinks I can "snap" out of it or if this changes I will be happy or better. He just doesn't get it.

I'm trying to be open with my bipolar, but I don't want to scare every one away either. I don't want people to not want to be in my life because they can't handle it but damn lying and hiding and wearing a mask is exhausting sometimes. Oh well, I guess I will just keep flashing people bits of my bipolar and see what happens.